


ease your mind

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, illness anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 07:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15456315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: it starts with a lump.and it begins a new type of anxiety within phil.





	ease your mind

It’s a little bit hard and a little bit squishy. And it sits just under the skin between his breast and his collarbone; hardly visible, but there.  
  
Phil notices it first. They’re in bed watching tv together, snuggled up together with Phil’s head sandwiched comfortably against Dan’s ribs, when he traces his fingers across his chest. He loves the new muscles that have begun to form there. They’re not Chris Hemsworth level of muscles just quite yet but it’s good enough for Phil to know that their presence means something more to Dan than just looking good. But that’s when he notices it. His fingers run over a tiny bump, and without a second thought he sits up rather quickly, almost knocking heads with Dan in the process.  
  
“Need to pee?” Dan asks with a tired voice, still looking at the tv. He moves over slightly, thinking that Phil wants to get out but when Phil doesn’t move, his fingers still glued to his chest does Dan look away from the tv and at him.  
  
“What?” He asks with a frown when he meets Phil’s gaze. It’s burning with concern and worry.  
  
“This.” Phil tells him, running his hands over the lump again, almost grimacing at just the feel of it.  
  
“What?” Dan asks again, looking puzzled. Phil takes Dan’s own hand and runs it over the same spot, watching his face for a reaction.  
  
But Dan doesn’t seem to react at all.  
  
“That? That’s just a tiny bump. It’s probably nothing, Phil.” Dan shrugs his shoulders with a smile. He takes Phil’s hand in his and gives a reassuring squeeze. It doesn’t really work.  
  
“Dan, that’s not just nothing,” Phil frowns, shaking his head, “that’s a lump in your chest.” He wants Dan to be as worried as he is but instead Dan gives a small chuckle, only frustrating Phil more.  
  
“Phil, it’s hardly a lump. Babe, you’re worrying too much, okay. It’s nothing. And if it were something I’d do something about it.” Dan gives Phil a warm smile, but it doesn’t quite reach Phil.  
  
He’s got worry swarming in his gut, and when Dan lays back down and ushers Phil to lay back down with him and watch the rest of their movie together, he finds himself caring less about the movie and more about whatever was forming under his boyfriends skin.  
  
Weeks go by and Phil is still anxious. Every time he’d get a glimpse of Dan with his shirt off he’d have his bottom lip chewed between his teeth and his head racing with a million horrible scenarios.   
  
They haven’t even been able to have sex properly. They’d get in the mood and then when Phil would run his palms ever so slowly over Dan’s big, broad back, round his armpits and up onto his chest, he’d freeze up and start worrying again. He’d then apologise for ruining the mood and Dan would just pepper him in kisses and tell him it’s fine but Phil knows that deep down this isn’t fine.  
  
“Dan, please just consider seeing a doctor.” Phil practically begs him one evening. Dan’s just got out the shower and he can see the lump from where he’s sat down on the bed. It makes Phil’s blood run cold and mouth dry up at just the sight of it. It hasn’t gotten any larger or worse but it seems to be mocking him from across the room. He hates that.  
  
“Phil, this,” Dan says pressing the lump with three fingers, “is nothing, okay? It doesn’t hurt, it’s not bothering me and I don’t need to see a doctor.” Dan tells him. He sounds on the edge of being angry but Phil knows it his own fault. He can’t help himself.  
  
But later that night, when Dan is sleeping soundly next to him, Phil pulls up a google search for breast cancer in men and ends up staying awake all night practically itching with pure anxiety.  
  
Two weeks later pass and Phil is sure he’s seeing some of the warning signs in Dan. He’s been reading different threads by different people who had experience breast cancer. So many stories of men who refused to see a doctor and it’d ended up in tragedy. So many people who’d put it off because they didn’t think that they could get breast cancer.  
  
Phil can’t let that happen to Dan. He gets the feeling that’s he’s running out of time. That when he eventually persuades Dan to see someone about it, they’ll have a matter of weeks left and he’ll die and Phil will end up all alone and he’ll have no one but himself to blame. There’s a rational part of his brain that tells him he’s simply catastophizing, but he chooses to ignore that in favour of thinking about his possible dying boyfriend.  
  
Phil had seen all the jokes online about him being psychic. They’d pull up little coincidences that someone matched up with the theory that Phil could tell the future. He’d show Dan and they laugh about it together and joke about him secretly being some sort of witch. But Phil hopes that maybe this time he’s not right at all.  
  
He books the doctors appointment. He tells Dan he has no other choice and Dan argues back. They have a bit of a spat before leaving but by the time they’re in the taxi Phil is grabbing Dan’s hand, hard. A silent apology. If they’re about to step out this car and into a doctors office with the worst possible news waiting for them, Phil doesn’t want to have the guilt of having an argument loom over him forever.  
  
And when Dan squeezes back, he guesses he’s thinking the same thing.  
  
It was a tiny lump of tissue mass. The doctor called it fibroadenoma. Apparently its rather common in young teenage girls, but sometimes in the rare occasion, like Dan, it could just so happen to a healthy 27 year old man. The doctor guessed it had showed up simply had showed up because Dan had been exercising more and the fluids had moved around more than usual. Dan had made a quick joke about how he thought exercise was supposed to be good for you and not cause fatty lumps under your skin and the doctor had chuckled humorously at his joke whilst Phil sat there, feeling like every nerve in his body had been fried. The friendly doctor then continued to tell them not to worry and only come back it if got bigger and any more painful. Other than that, Dan was perfectly fine. Not breast cancer after all. Not a horrendous tumour growing inside his body. Not two weeks to live. Not that at all.  
  
Phil could cry. He could cry for a lot of reasons. Mostly because he feels stupid. They get back home and he does cry. He cries in the middle of the living room and lets Dan hold him and run his fingers through his hair. He feels like an idiot but at the same time he feels so relieved. He cries until his eyes are puffy and his nose is red and runny and Dan takes him to bed with a sweet smelling cup of tea.   
  
Dan climbs in next to him later; slipping his shirt and jeans off, and when he does Phil can’t help but stare at that tiny little lump again. That bastard of a lump that’s been giving him nothing but grief these last few weeks.  
  
“You gonna be okay?” Dan asks quietly with his lips pressed against his forehead and Phil nods, smiling to himself.  
  
He really thought after today he’d be the one comforting Dan; that he’d be the one asking him.  
  
“Yeah,” Phil mumbles quietly, “yeah I think so.”  
  
And even after that Phil drags Dan to two other doctors, just to be sure and Dan happily agrees, just to hear that same diagnosis over and over again. The word that lifts such a heavy feeling from Phil’s shoulders every time another doctor confirms it. He’s fine.  
  
And few weeks later when they’re cuddled up in bed again, back where they’d started, Phil drags his fingertips across his chest again, and when he realises he can’t find it; that horrid gross little lump of fat and tissue and nothing more, does he smile, and breathes. Finally. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was loosely based off of something that happened to me irl a few years ago and i wanted to write something with phil having some sort of anxiety and i thought of this lol so i hope you enjoyed this 
> 
> come say hi on tumblr @watergator


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